Got kicked out of a performance of Cats because I kept saying “ooh biiiiig stretch”
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My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
My dentist has me so hyped up this morning, I’m thinking of creating a dating profile that just says “never had a cavity” and watching the matches roll in.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
i think we should see other cousins
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
i was in the park, setting up my yoga mat, when skateboard punk yolo teens (tripping on fleek pot) stole my dinosaur sketches and fannypack full of cheese
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample