Got kicked out of a performance of Cats because I kept saying “ooh biiiiig stretch”
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I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
