Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
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Video games don’t cause violence, but they do teach you that it’s important to always loot the corpse.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
As a someone who sleeps nude, my opinions on pajamas are immaterial.
“The future is yours!”
Me: [Looking around] No thank you.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
