Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.

If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”

Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.

How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie

10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.

I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.

Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.

why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”

Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.

How to end an interview:

1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN

if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.

Person: Raise your glasses!

Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*

Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.