Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?

No sir, it will be round.

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

Me: I’m terrible at fractions

Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it

Brain: This makes sense right now

Body: We’re on board

Pavement: Come at me bro

I have standards. They might be low, but still…..

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

Introverted vegans go meetless

Got a light

Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one

Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

servant: what size should I make the bed?

king: like this *spreads arms*

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself… Probably had it coming anyway

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

This is the dumbest end of the world ever.

I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.

Her)What that mouth do?

Me)Usually get me in trouble

GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.

WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.

I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version