got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
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Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
If you know, you know
