Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its like grandma said,

You’re not crazy when you sleep

If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

🍛

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”

one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along

You deplete me

When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.

ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.

Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.

I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.

*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.

dermatologist: drink more water.

me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin

Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?

Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.

W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?

M: Don’t know. Just Google it.

Me: I can’t do anything right

Therapist: You’re in my chair