Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.

[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!

-Amish drive by

I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

Bitcoin. Toothurt.

If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….

Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣

Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?

Me: I’m sorry, move what?

Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?

What if all the cashiers are married?

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods

My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring

I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run