Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
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I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
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Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
If you think you’re socially awkward, one time a woman I barely know was pointing to something on my shirt and I thought she wanted to start a finger sword fight with me.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I Can’t Tonight…
