Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?

All other inmates (in unison): No.

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

Well, my evening plans are ruined

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

I’m sure we could imagine what it’s like to be conjoined twins if we put our heads together.

I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

Kid: Everything poops?

Me: Kinda

K: Trees don’t poop

M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen

K: So we’re breathing tree poop?

M:

K:

M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit

“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”

-3 year olds.

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no

In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me

Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?

People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.

I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.

If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen