Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
You Might Also Like
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Patanjali salt label says it was created 250 million years ago from Himalayan rocks. Expiry is in 2018. Guess they dug it up just in time!😄
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back