Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
You Might Also Like
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Warm pools make me nervous.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
“You’re a ten?”
“On the PH scale, Cuz you basic.”
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.