Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
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When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall