Got kicked out of reincarnation club for yelling yolo
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Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good