Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
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girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
there’s probably a fee though
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous