Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.
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*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
I try
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.