Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

Wife: what’s wrong?

Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard

There’s a serious limit in how much one can take

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

im not a nepo baby, im a REPO baby. and i’m seizing your car! UPDATE: i acknowledge my father’s role as Head Repo Man and how that has awarded me certain privileges in my career. I am learning and growing. no you cannot have your car back

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while

WAITER: excellent

Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.

[12 seconds later]

“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

interviewer: how did u hear about us

me: *sweating* w-with my ears

So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.

Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019

Choose your fighter!

TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.