Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
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When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Introverted vegans go meetless
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.