Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
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Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
wtf is a larm clock?
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.