Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
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School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
My soul leaving my body when the lecturer says “let’s hear from someone who hasn’t spoken yet”😭
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.