Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
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They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
me when the borders lift
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.