Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.

An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.

Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried

Blew my mind.

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.

My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.

My dating profile:

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!

Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.

Me: Dammit.

Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*

*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

All is fair in drunk and war.

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…

I know that now.

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

what do you want to eat?

what are you in the mood for?

Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.

50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!