Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
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At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
23. the denim jacket
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”