Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
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them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
San Francisco has too many rules
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.