Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow

Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet

Him: I’m a vegetarian
Me, holding a fork and licking my lips: I’m a humanitarian

The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.

🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶

If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago

They got Raph!

[Wendy’s]

Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”

If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?

Her: Yes, please. Bbq.

Me: I’ll take apple.