Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
You Might Also Like
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
what
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Mmmm hotel breakfast. Love to wake up at 545 AM to wait in line for the worst omelette I’ve ever had
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.