Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
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If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle