Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
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Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
“How can I improve my cooking skills?”
Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone
Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]
Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first