Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?

Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.

5: Because Mom is scary?

Bingo.

contortionist: what’s wrong?

proctologist: your head’s in the way

I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.

If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

[doctor’s]

INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*

Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.

Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?

*being born

my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT

[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player

Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.

Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!

My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?

Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.

[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good

Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’

Doctor: well, we lost him

Widow: *sobbing*

Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there

How to open new toy:

1. Cut tape with machete.

2. Take shot.

3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.

4. Take 3 shots.

5. Watch child play with box.

[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y

I feel attacked.