Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

are they though??

I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*

Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead

Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.

Researching blood spatter patterns to make tonight’s Shelf Elf display as technically accurate as possible

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.

People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.

Who hurt you?

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.

Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.

When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting

Suuuuure

I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

[bank robbery]

Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.

5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉

I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.