got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
You Might Also Like
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Stonehinge
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.