Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers

“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?

<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-

Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.

”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar

If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

{swallowed by a whale}

Me: gross. It’s so-

Whale: don’t you say it

Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!

Whale: *throws me up*

*Scrolls TL*

Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!

*sips juicebox*

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind

Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

Cop: Can you explain how you got here?

Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born

Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?

Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want

Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though

Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN

Me and kid:

I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.

The dark side of Canada