got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
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The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Don’t tell me what to do
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.