Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic

Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks

[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine

Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.

Funny women are smart. Be careful.

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

I got bills

They’re multiplying

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred

I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

peeping toms

People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?