got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
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Don’t we all.
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The pasta is now
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therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Never forget.
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if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
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My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
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When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.