Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
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I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Does this dress make me look cat?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Me in tagged photos
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?