Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”

“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”

Note to self: always read the final line

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

I mean…but I did

You are probably horrified by my wardrobe

Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St

Should not be a surprise

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?

me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose

him: that’s not what I asked

me: that is the information I have

This is going to be my year.

WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia

Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

no their not

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together

I’m not a regular Mom.

I’m a “YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR VIDEO GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!” Mom.

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.

* shows up with flowers

Wife: Are we going to the hospital?

Seems kinda suspicious

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.