Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord

Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person

Daughter: dada?

Me: no honey it’s not.

Daughter: is time travel possi-

Me: [winks].

Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!

Wife: how did you do that?

Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.

i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.

Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.

I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy

Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

[first day as a bartender]

* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *

5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?

How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years

“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”

-me, drunk, walking into a wall

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.

Who knew.

It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.

My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.

Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.