Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?

Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies

Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

guys i’ve cracked the code

I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish

Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT

Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.

Don’t ask.

At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.

It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.

I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped

If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed

I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.

When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.

I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.