Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager

news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?

this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”

Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.

If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

1yo: *walking*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

6yo: *riding two-wheeler*

Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!

16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?

techician: sure..I’ll take a look

[later, ]

technician: it’s not too bad..

me: thank god..what is it?

technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders

me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?

a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair