Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

“I’ll just use bug spray”

Mosquitos in the Midwest

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

[Death Row]

GUARD: last requests?

INMATE: a little heroin would be nice

TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*

INMATE: I meant the drug stupid

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.

Anyone: what’s your favorite color?

Me: cheese

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

Camping tip: No.

Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?

Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”

Them: How corny are your jokes?

Me: Pretty corny

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation

Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.

Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *reads a book* How about now?

D: Nope

Me: *starts to sing*

D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*

Me: Man, I should have started with that.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.