Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

it takes so much energy

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent

My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.

Venn

My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Witness: I do.

Me: How do I look in these pants?

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.

good let them take over I have had enough

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.

Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.

Me: *applies for a loan*

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors

“You’d better run, egg!”

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!