Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
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She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
incredible text to wake up to
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort