Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Body: time to sleep.

Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.

How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.

Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.

[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up

Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”

Genie:

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.

Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤

She was REALLY feeling it.

Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.

Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.

One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic

My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.

Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.

My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.

The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Nobody:

Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely

When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom

I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.

Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.