Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
ill check the nooks. you get the crannies.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?