Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
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The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.