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Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Good morning to everyone except people that can tell the difference between ‘Under Pressure’ and ‘Ice Ice Baby’ as soon at the song starts.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again