You Might Also Like
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that