Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dog 911: what’s your emergency

dog: there’s an intruder

dog 911: is he in your house?

dog: no, he’s across the street

dog 911: that’s not a problem

dog: what if he comes over here?

dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES

dog: SHOULD I BARK?

dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES

The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.

Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.

any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

When your best mate counts as a desk too

Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help

Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.

“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”

~My dog when the doorbell rings

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.

Let’s get started

These are called scissors

*collective aww*

Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it

*watching someone make a cake*

them: and now add the mascarpone

me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses

5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating.”

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

Is….Is this an option?

Toddler: What’s for dinner?

Me: Fish cakes.

Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!

Me:

Me:

Me:

Me: ……. Sure.

FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms