Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
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Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
i have one speed and it’s mosey
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
So it turns out that all of the tire places with “discount” in their name have the same prices as everyone else.
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Any refunds available?…
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is