Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.

Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.

This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

*gives you dictionary for your birthday*

wow.. i don’t know what to say

“that’s why i bought it for you”

The theme park we’re going to in the morning has free unlimited soft drinks. So if my calculations are correct, the kids will have diabetes by 1 pm.

*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice

Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels

*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

[Flat-earth expedition log]

Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

Maternity.

Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.

More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.

[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age

You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.

Candles never taste the way they smell

Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.

My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.

neighbor: did you steal my trampoline

are robert

me:

accusations harmful