Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
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The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words