Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
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ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Chairperson: So Dave is calling this season ‘fall’ because the leaves fall off the trees. Have we a name for the next one?
Dave: Death!
Chair: Ok Dave, calm down. Anybody else? Anybody.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.
Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?