Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
You Might Also Like
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.