Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.

I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

Spoiler Alert: I was late

Want proof advertising works?

I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

I can understand why chickens wake up and scream

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.

I told myself I’d behave today… then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow

Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

[boss’s office]

I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?

“No, sir”

I like your style, Murray.

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.

[Chocolate Cake 101]

Sober: Use a fork

Stoned: Use your fingers

Drunk: Use your face

I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.

Jehovah’s fitness.

If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]