Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.

Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack

“Guy walks into a bar”

*and is eliminated from the limbo contest

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

I had a well check visit today & my doctor, in the middle of listening to my chest, asked me how the library was & if it was busy now that kids were back in school.

I don’t work at a library. I don’t know what he’s talking about.

I just rolled with it. The library is fiiiiiine.

I found your tweet-up…

Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes

Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

It’s cool that christianity has different saints for different things, like St. Francis is the patron saint of animals and St. Ives is the patron saint presumably of apricot face scrub

Movie idea:

A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.

People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.

Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

I’m sick of everybody in this house.

-me, who lives alone.

Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.

Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.

O: Joe…

Biden: Trust me.

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway

Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.