Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
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If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
All right then, keep your secrets
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome