Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
You Might Also Like
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely