Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵

~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea

Fish in the sea:

I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.

“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.

If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.

9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….

Ther’s safety in numb bears

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

Hanging my underwear on the line at half-mast in the remembrance of something.

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags

[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”

Being a lawyer is so funny because someone will have their dog off the leash at a park, barreling towards my dog, and jog screaming “oh, he’s friendly” and I’ll scream back “And you have strict and total liability if he isn’t” and suddenly they turn into Usain Bolt

yeah not falling for this one

me: time for sleep 🙂

my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??

babe wake up, it’s stupid outside

If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.

“Toy Story 4”: Woody and Buzz discover their teddy bear friend is really a NannyCam; they must murder him to protect the secret of the toys.