got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
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Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.
Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
My flabber has been gasted.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out