Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
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Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.