Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?

I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.

Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”

Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”

Speak now or ever hold your peace

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.

My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers

70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.

There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.

Except for a broken foot.

Then you should see a doctor.

for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”

COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend

someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat