Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
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I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.