Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child

my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s

my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/

ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut

Frog purse.

ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

“So, what’s the plan?”

“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”

🤣

It’s going to take 14 years to put Harriet on the $20? I’ve got a friend in Chesterfield Square who can print some off in an hour..

Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.

My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?

[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office

They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!

Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

It’s like my nana once said….

You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?

aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.

They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.

if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.

Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”

Me, “lol do you have a pen?”

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.