Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.

My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.

Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?

Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.

Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.

P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.

Me: Is that a beret?

P: Oui.

Why? Just why? 😂

I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…

[both kids wake up sneezing]

…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.

*misses last two stairs, face plants*

Rum: tee-hee

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.

#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.

Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.

“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”

This is why I can’t stand people.

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…

GOD: [creates dog]

ANGEL: …and for how they actually do

GOD: [creates cat]

I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.

[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.

I am, perchance

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.