Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in crowded elevator]

Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

Two things I have learned at the beach:

1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet

2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.

There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay calm. ⁣⁣Identify yourself by making noise so the bear knows you are a human. We recommend using your voice. Waving and showing off your opposable thumb means nothing to the bear.

how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me

So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.

Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:

IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

To the knife wielding psycho who walked in on me in the shower; I’m sorry you had to see that

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?

ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*

Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.

Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]

tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?

me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha

wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad

[Outside court]

Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?

: Odd

ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART: