got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
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Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Taylor’s most unrealistic lyric is “he’d never tell you, but he can play guitar” bc I’ve never met a man who can play guitar that isn’t gonna tell you about it
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!