got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
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congratulations to them
💀 😭
The cashier just checked me out.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
unbelievably distressed by this ad
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Slide to the left, now slide to the right
criss cross, criss cross, cha cha real smooth– the groceries in the back of my car
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.