Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.

My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa

I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions

me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…

It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.

Amen.

her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy

me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy

her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….

Google Earth says everything is just fine.

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.

Sincerely, every parent everywhere.

“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”

“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”

-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor

Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.

[Witches Kitchen]

Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist

Daughter: wow okay that’s gross

Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?

Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”

Telling the server about the dead bug in your salad seems like a good idea until you see the protein up-charge on your bill.