Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
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Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I disabled the reminder beep on my microwave months ago, because what kind of idiot forgets food. Tonight I found my would’ve been breakfast burrito in the microwave. So…yeah.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
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