Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
You Might Also Like
I need to know what happened here in 1620.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.